Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
You Might Also Like
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.