*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
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This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.