Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
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Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.