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At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.