People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
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So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
For anyone who needs this today
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
[eulogy]
line?
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.