I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
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[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
ibopfufen
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now