Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
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i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I ate everything, including the H.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.