6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
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I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
How it started How it’s going
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?