Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
You Might Also Like
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.