[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
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A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I want what they have
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….