Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.