Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
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*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
the battle rages on
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero