[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
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This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Woke up against my better judgment again
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
work smarter, not harder