Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
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Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
why am I working on Labor Day
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*