Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
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“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe