Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
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I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.