Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
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I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.