I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
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me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Breaking news:
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.