Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
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Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?