men what’s stopping you from looking like this
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*