I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound