[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
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Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[shakes fist at other fist]
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
This pepper has seen some shit
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.