[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
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Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Love this one 😂🧟
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!