If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
SCARY COSTUME
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.