[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
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baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
this isn’t threatening at all
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…