Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
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Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.