Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
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No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Teach your children to beatbox
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”