this is literally a CIA plant
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Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I hope Alan is OK
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.