Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
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Jurassic park gets weird
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!