I’m about to risk it all
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“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Do one person every day that scares you.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Spider-cat: No One Home
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
And that about sums it up.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
True?