I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
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“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.