8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
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If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.