“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
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Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron