I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
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EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”