Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
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Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.