Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
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My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?