I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
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Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
english majors be like furthermore
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi