Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
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I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.