When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
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[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
🙂🙃🥹
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops