16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
You Might Also Like
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!