WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
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When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
what’s the point then??
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I’m good, thanks.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
The point of your 20s
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese