Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
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The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
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Morningbreath
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Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
why I oughta
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.