ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
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My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude