I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
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If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not