Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
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the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison