No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
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Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies