Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
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*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.