literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
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Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
i wish all
whales
a very
big
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much