ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
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If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Money is the root of all wealth
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?