I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
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Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)